Closure With a Capital "C"

The Fault in Our Stars by John Green was recommended by some of my classmates as a "MUST READ." So when it came time to decide which books to bring with me on vacation, it was my first purchase. 

On the connecting flight from Atlanta to Santo Domingo, I turned on my Kindle and began to read. 

After the first page, I looked to Mike and said, "This is a cancer book." 

"Turn it off," he said, without hesitation. 

Now, none of my classmates were aware of the fact that the Big C is a pretty (very) fragile topic in mine and Mike's lives. A brief timeline: September, his mother was diagnosed; October, my cousin lost her battle; November, my grandmother stopped fighting; December, his grandmother was taken unexpectedly. 

Not that we are in avoidance of the topic altogether. Heck, we even watched 50/50, knowing it was a C movie, because we thought Seth Rogan would give us a humorous take on much a traumatizing subject. Well, once we got to the scene where the camera focuses in on a half-empty bag of chemo being pumped into JGL, we turned it off. No laughs. Just horrible memories. "Too soon," we both agreed. 

It was still too soon. I knew that vacation would already bring about a few moments of sadness on Thursday, what would have been my cousin's 35th birthday. But it came so highly recommended that I thought, "Hey, if it gets too rough, I have others to choose from." On I read...

I finished the book the next day. I had to stop, frequently, because Hazel's journey required thought. But I couldn't keep myself from reading. The book, in fact, wasn't "sad." It was undoubtedly depressing, but Hazel never lets you feel sorrowful for her or the other characters. For them, cancer is just something they have, not who they are or who they will become. And that is exactly the way I saw it as it was happening around me. These brave women, like Hazel, lived their lives the way they wanted to. Sure, some days were better than others. But they kept going, if not for themselves, for their families and friends. And when the end would come, though grief-stricken and heart-broken, their wishes for us to be happy and celebrate their lively spirits was a true testament to their strengths and characters. 

Hazel's story helped me more than I ever could have imagined. It sounds silly, that I've had months to recover from such loss and a book, read over 2 days, was what ended up putting everything into perspective. But it did. Hazel's voice, for me, was the voice of the women I lost and the one still fighting (and winning!). I will never know what my angels thought before they left this earth, but I can imagine it was something like what I read. 

It is all still so unbelievable and despairing, yet for the moment I have Closure from Cancer. For the moment, there are no "what-ifs" or "I wonder...". In this moment, I am at peace.